Road To Ruin: From Tejas, With Love.

Hi there, so quite a bit of stuff has happened since my last written blog that wasn’t a social comment or an reblog.  My Dad passed away last week and I am currently in California, awaiting my Dad’s funeral and seeing/hanging out with family I haven’t seen in a while.  The weather has been a lot better than what I left behind in Fort Worth but apparently, the last few days over there have also gotten warmer.

Anyhoo…  Since I got here, I have gotten condolences about my father’s passing [that’s normal] and I have also been asked about what I am currently doing with my life.  I respond with, “Oh, I’m joining the Air Force but I am going to go to community college for a semester before taking off to basic and such.”  I usually get, “Oh that’s good!” and then that’s followed by the dreaded questions: “So, are you dating?” and “So when do you plan on getting married?”  Ugh.

Coming from a Mexican family, they [along with family friends] expect a lot from you.  One of these expectations is that at a young age, they expect you to get married.  Grr…  I just don’t see marriage in my cards and I am not big on children.  To even have all that, you have to start at a relationship and I am not in a relationship.  I date people every now and then but I get bored.  The only two people I am into require a long drive if I want to see them in person and one hardly speaks to me while the other had a fallout with me in November.

Peg me as an old maid early on, I don’t care.  At this rate, it seems my sole purpose is to learn and to go wherever the wind takes me.  Do what makes me happy and strive for the long goal of doing something awesome with my life.  This year has been a horrible year and the last few haven’t been the best either so 2012, you’re going to be the best year ever.

Actually, cfrankswim is correct. Washington promoted the growth of hemp but in those times, it was mainly for industrial usage [parchment­, clothing, rope, medicine, etc]. Marijuana was also Jefferson’­s #1 cash crop seeing as hemp was the alternativ­e cash crop to tabacco, which depleted the soil. Marijuana was even considered legal tender in some states. The facts are all online and in history books though I learned this during a Political Science lecture a couple of years ago. Pretty interestin­g stuff.

http://www­.drugwarra­nt.com/art­icles/why-­is-marijua­na-illegal­/
http://www­.straightd­ope.com/co­lumns/read­/2912/did-­george-was­hington-an­d-thomas-j­efferson-g­row-mariju­ana

Feeling this way.  I’m told I am solid gold but I am treated like second class for the most part since my friends look better than me.

I hate having feelings for other people.  I feel vulnerable and slightly scared when I do.

At the end of the road:  I’m either not pretty enough, not funny enough, not girly enough, not doormat enough and now I’m not skinny enough.

I hate being ugly and I hate the weight I’ve recently gained.  I feel unhappy and inadequate.  I want to feel beautiful.

It’s not that I don’t love myself, I’m just exhausted by everything happening around me and haven’t been able to give myself the attention I deserve.

I hate getting hurt, maybe that is why I am scared to go further into anything with anyone.  I am supposed to be the strong one.

I hold back because I don’t want to make the first move.  It’s out of my comfort zone.

I don’t want to complicate things but then I overanalyze and I can’t sleep.

I can’t believe I don’t want to be alone for once.  That I want someone to actually hold my hand.  That I suppose I want to feel loved again.

Pretty much, I don’t want to be Tom anymore.  It sucks.

Thought I would vent some frustration out though I’ll see what happens next month.  Stuck between two amazing people, confused.

lmaogtfo:

(Source: thatsexyblog)