Road To Ruin: From Tejas, With Love.

I am on an online dating site.  It’s called OKCupid.  I know.  Go ahead and laugh, call me lame. I don’t care and here is why:

Online dating is beneficial for someone like me because (as most my friends know) I am a busy person and (as almost everyone knows) I am an awesome but weird person.  It’s very easy for me to pick up someone’s number in person but it’s also very easy for me to get bored of them within minutes because it is very hard to find someone just as awesome and interesting as me.  Sorry I sound a bit egotistical here but it is true.  Also, I do love the single circuit but I think it’s time to get a little more serious about dating.

This is mainly applied towards guys but girls, learn.  With that explanation (some of you may still be laughing at me) and with some examples from friends and messages I have received.  Here we go!

Do not message me “LiK3 tHizz”

 I went to school. I learned proper spelling and grammar back in elementary school.  When you message me with text talk like that or horrible spelling and grammar, I immediately get turned off and annoyed.  What doesn’t help is that I was a journalism major for a couple of semesters in college and it just irritates me like crazy.  I tend to think people who write like that believe they’re writing a text message to their homeboy Ray Ray or have a 3rd grade mentality.  A lot of people feel this way.  Keep it neat.

Keep your messages simple and short.

 I like reading funny jokes, a couple of sentences, a short greeting or even a comparison to my favorite movie star.  I DON’T like reading your whole life story or entire profile in a message.  Leave it simple and sweet, don’t make me get bored by noticing how much I have to read.  I dismiss messages like that and I know other people do too.

Don’t lie.  You’ll be caught.

I don’t like liars and neither do most of the people I know.  Be honest about yourself, don’t lie.  It’s pretty crappy if you have to lie to someone and if they start to respond back to you, chances are you’ll get caught.  Here’s how I caught someone:

1. Example A, One Good Reason Why You Shouldn’t Be Lying To People: “I’m Tony, I’m definitely looking for friends as well. I moved here not that long ago from Florida. I have work friends, but don’t hurt to make more :) ”  I know you.  You’re my best friend’s former co-worker and friend.  You did not move from Florida “not that long ago” because you were at my Christmas break party almost two years ago and tried to get me to kiss you.  My friend told me you’ve been here for almost 5 years.  Take this great advice folks: Never lie.

Don’t over-flatter someone.

Some people don’t see themselves so high, some do.  Some people aren’t used to being complimented and some are.  I happen to fall in the middle, overstate the truth and I’m like, “Now you’re sucking up to me.”  A simple, “Hey gorgeous!” or compliment on whatever book I’ve recently read [<3’d Fight Club!] is nice.  The following is a no.

1. Example A, Overstatement: “Wait a minute, if you can easily get guys in person, then what are you doing here? You seem…………perfect. lol”  First of all, thank you for reading my profile.  Second of all, no one is perfect.  Overstating and calling me hot, sexy or whatever is past the line, especially if I haven’t met you in person.

Don’t be jerk-like, boring, depressing, cheesy or use horrible lines when messaging someone for the first time.

 If you’ve done that, don’t be surprised if you didn’t get a response.  No one will really pay attention to you unless you have a hot body or something like that.  Here’s some examples of how you can immediately be dismissed.

1. Exhibit A, The Horrible Joker:  ”Did you just fart? Cause you blew me away, jk lol, what’s up?”  I don’t think it’s funny, I think that’s disgusting.  I showed that message to my sister (who used to also be on OKCupid) and she immediately said, “What the f*ck!  What’s wrong with this guy???”  I don’t know, I wondered the same thing.
2. Exhibit B, The Guy Who Turns Himself Down:  ”hey cutie… (Sadly, I won’t get a response though. Not that I have a chance).”  I don’t know anyone who likes people who have no self-esteem and/or self-confidence.  If you don’t believe in yourself, prepare yourself for instant rejection.  I felt bad for the guy until he started saying that he blames women for turning him down.  Hmm, I wonder why.
3. Exhibit C, The Guy Who Puts Down Your Taste:  “I thought you seemed pretty cool, but um can I just ask, why do you like drake? Sorry it’s just I find him to be the worst rapper I’ve ever heard ( not to much of a fan of the genre in whole). And unbelievable cocky to boot.”  First, I am cool.  Second, I’m not questioning how lame your music tastes are, don’t question my interests and don’t ask me to explain why I’m a Drake fan.  If I like something, I like something and that is that.

Don’t be rude.

Joan also brought this up and it is an excellent point because her experience is one I have also shared.  No one likes rude people and I doubt you’d like it if someone trying to talk to you was being completely rude.  Double check whatever joke you’re writing to someone if you’ve been told by any of your friends that you have a rude/crude tendencies or sick sense of humor.  If you get rejected, get over it and move onto the next person.  Do not reply back by snapping at them or cussing at them.  Examples:

1. Example A, The Rude & Crude Guy: ”There’s somewhat of a bonding experience in holding a girl’s hair when she pukes.”  Really guy?  Did you say that?  I feel sorry for whatever girl [if any] you’ve picked up in the past.  This is no way to start anything with anyone and reading that makes me want to puke.
2. Example B, The Asshole: “This is why you’re single.”  No, it’s not but what you said is the reason why YOU’RE single.  I don’t care how much trolling you do online, you don’t win.

After only a couple of messages exchanged, DO NOT go on to talk about deep connections.

My friend Joan, also an online dater, tweeted this the other day, “When you start talking about how much of a connection we have before we even meet, you freak me out.”  I cannot stress how true this comment is.  When I hear something like that from someone I barely know, even if it’s in person, it’s kinda a sign to run.  Hearing it online is scary, hearing it online from a guy who messages the first time is worse.  Maybe some people are hopeless romantics but it is scary.

• Exhibit A, He’s Almost In Love After A Few Messages: “Well I would love to be friends with you. It’s intoxicating talking with you.”  This was after a few messages and the part I didn’t add was where he asked for my number and gave me his.  This brings me to my next point….

DO NOT message your personal information right away.

• Exhibit A, Messaged Me to Give Me His Number “214-XXX-XXXX Jesse. Just joined and sceptical about the whole site….. But I guess you never know. I hope you read my profile and smile. I’m also enclosing my phone number because I can only imagine how many emails you receive. 214-XXX-XXXX…..Jesse Text me I would love to chat. I have plenty of pics.” I am not going to text you.  I am thinking you’re ridiculous for giving your number to a stranger straight out and [not mentioned] telling me where you attended college at and where you currently work at.

What’s wrong with you?  Have some basic common sense.  I don’t think you should message even your number until about 7-15 correspondences in if you’re feeling like the person you’re speaking to is a match.  Think about it, what if I’m not the person in the photo you’re checking out?  What if I’m a creepy gross 280lb guy or a identity thief or someone who will beat you up in the parking lot and rob you when you think we’re going on a date?  It’s happened on Craigslist before.  Also, I’ve had guys send messages like the one above with their Facebook link and full name attached. DO NOT do that.  ALWAYS BE CAREFUL!!!

Asking to hang out with someone the first message you send can come off as desperate.

It just depends on how you phrase it.  Asking someone if they’d like to go out to coffee sometime is great but phrasing it like “Hey so we need to hang out sometime” calls for instant rejection.  I don’t need to hang out with you and I won’t.  If you decide to go out with the person who asks you out nicely, be careful and always let a friend know who you’re with and where you will be.

That’s all I can think of for now seeing as I have errands to run.  Have an awesomely good day!